


little one, don't let go

by andreiiax



Category: Kpop - Fandom, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Declarations Of Love, Epistolary, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Non-Idol AU, References to Depression, True Love, Yoonseok - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 15:11:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10856553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andreiiax/pseuds/andreiiax
Summary: it can't be truethat i'm losing youthe stars cannot fall from the sky.





	little one, don't let go

**Author's Note:**

> //title and summary from:
> 
> "here"
> 
>  
> 
> "playlist
> 
>    
> it's not beta'd but bear with me ;-;  
> i hope you like this and please leave comments  
> all the best and love, a x

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
    Should I be mad? Should I cry? What should I do? Please, tell me. All I want to do is scream and blame. Blame you, blame me, blame them, heck, I even want to blame God. How could he dare steal you  away from me? You left me, Hoseok, you left me alone and cold.  
    Sometimes I stare at your pictures and my heart, even though is broken, flutters. What a beautiful creature you were! Sometimes I can understand why God wanted you by His side. You were so amazing, even a celestial being would've loved you.  
    I am weak. I am desperate. I am...lost. I am while you were. I want us to be. Hoseok, my love, Hoseok. Love is cruel, ugly and selfish, but your love was pure, just like you. Clean and clear.  
    How could you? How? Tell me how could you leave me like this, Hoseok, just...talk to me. Answer me. Let me hear your voice, your sweet, honey dipped voice.  
     I miss you. You're so far away and I miss you. Oh, Hoseok, I'd give anything to hold you for just one night.  
                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                                                 Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                     Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
    I've been to your house today. Everything is lonely and cold without your warm presence.  
    Your mother is as lovely as ever but she's sad. I can see that her eyes are red and her face, once shiny, is sour. I guess she misses you  too. How could she not? You were her only boy. Her baby boy.  
   I tried so hard not to cry, Hoseok. I tried, but she wanted to show me videos of baby you and I had to run to the bathroom. The tears appeared on my face and I couln't stop them. I remember when we were kids and everytime I would cry, you would hold my hand and  kiss my fingers. You even had names for them! I cried for so long, I thought I wouldn't have tears anymore, but seeing you there, alive  and happy, it destroied me.  
   Your mother knew I cried, because after I returned she hugged me for so long. She understands me and I understand her. She then  gave me your necklace, the one with the smiley face. She said I needed it more and I guess she's right. When she went to drink some  water, I stole some clothes and your bear, the bear I gave it to you after you passed your exams. I still don't know its name, so I'll name it Hope.  
   You used to be my hope, now he is.

                                                                                                                                                                                   Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                     Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
   It's been almost three months. I still cry if I look at pictures of you and I still can't listen to your favourite song. It hurts. It hurts to   remember you.  
   I want you back. I want your smile, your dimples that would appear everytime you ate, your big brown eyes, your soft tummy and the way you shivered and giggled everytime I kissed you there.  
   Now, I'm on the floor, on the god damn cold floor, writing and looking at the walls. They are green, because you loved green. I remember your story about the colour green. You would say that there was once a sad planet, where things were transparent and on this planet lived a prince that ate the colours because his lover died. One day, a skinny and hungry kid went into the prince's castle by mistake and he saw this beautiful piano and tried to play it. At first it sounded uncanny but after some warm up the boy also started to  sing. When the grass and the trees heard his voice, they coloured themselves in the brightest green you've ever seen. Flowers grew and  they danced on the boy's voice. The prince watched the whole scene and his heart started to heal itself. He befriended the boy and took  care of him and after a while, after his heart was fully healed, he let himself fall for the boy and his voice. He then gave the planet its  colours and let the grass and plants be green, because he fell in love with a green boy. A bright star. His star. After that, Hoseok, you  told me that I am your Green Boy, that I made your world coloured again and that I made you feel alive.  
   But, I beg your pardon, because I think that you were my Green Boy, my brightest star.  Because you made me feel again, you made me happy. 

   I hope you miss me as much as I miss you.  
                                                                                                                                                                                           Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                              Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

 

   Are you okay? Are you happy? Are you...happier?  
   Because, to be honest, I am not. I found your journal and I've never cried this hard. How could a sunshine like you feel so much pressure and feel so much sorrow? Your heart was so heavy, Hoseok. Too heavy for a young person. It was hard to read and I can only imagine how hard it was to actually bear those feelings and thoughts.  
   Hoseok, you were dead before the day you actually died. How could I be so blind? How could I, Hoseok? I'm so mad and hurt, I yelled and broke a cup, one of your favourites, I'm sorry.  
   Maybe come and yell at me for being an idiot, so I can hug you and cry in your arms.  
   Depression took the love of my life, depression took you away from me and I want to just go into a coma so I can forget about  everything for a while. Guess that's what you felt only ten times worse.  
   I wish I would've helped you, I am so sorry, my star. Sorry is..inutile, but I don't know what to do so I can bear with this sadness and  emptiness. I also found about your crush on me in your journal. So innocent and precious. I had your heart in my fragile hands and I  dropped it. Should've put it in a crystal globe, should've been more precaute.  
   I didn't deserve you, I did not. Also, yeah, I loved being in your clothes too. Even now.

                                                                                                                                                                                          Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                            Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
  I went out today. The boys got worried, they are great friends. They miss you too, but they told me to stop writing to you because this only makes me sadder. I guess they don't know how writing to you really makes me feel. It makes me feel like you're really reading this  and makes things a little better.  
   Minnie is the most worried one. Thinks I'm crazy and need a doctor. He doesn't get us, but it's okay, I get his worry. I might be crazy because today I bought two rings. One with my name and one with yours. Yours is around my finger and mine around my neck. After reading your journal, I realised that I, too, wanted to marry you.  
   Stupid me for not proposing to you. Stupid me to let you go.  
   People looked at me like I had four heads, but I can understand. I barely sleep and eat. Too many nightmares.  
   I am tired, Hoseok, I am so damn tired. Come back to me and let me fall asleep to the beat of your heart and your soft humming.  
   Come back to me, star.

  
                                                                                                                                                                                            Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                              Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
   It's been almost six months. I still can't listen to your song but I think I am better.  
   After having a break-down, the boys took me to a doctor, because I tried to hurt myself. I wanted a relief, I wanted to feel something  beside this fucking sadness and this ache from my heart! Come back, Hope, I got you. Hurt with me, I'll hurt with you, we can hurt together. Come hurt with me, come stay with me.  
   I want to feel you, Hoseok, I want to hold you again.  
  Fuck, I'm crying. It's hard without you. I said I was better but sometimes waves of missing you come and they drown me.  
   I remember when we first held hands and your face was red but your smile...I will never forget that smile. Your hand was made for holding mine. My hand aches for your touch, angel.  
   I want to be happy. I want to be happy with you.

  
                                                                                                                                                                                             Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                               Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
  I'm cooking. For the first time after you left, I am cooking.  
  I'm doing your favourite, noddles soup and rice cake. Oh, man, how much you loved rice cake. I remember that on our second date you  bought like three and blushed when I laughed. I laughed because you were so cute with your cheeks full, like a hamster. A fluffball.  
  I'm going to watch your favourite movie, even though it's sad. I guess this was a sign but I was too damn stupid to realise.  
   Fuck, Hope, how could I not see? There were signs everywhere! Humans are so fragile and I understand that now. After losing a part of  me, I realised how completly blind I was.  
   I want to go back in time, Hope, so I could save you from you.

  
                                                                                                                                                                                              Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                                Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
   A year.  
   A year without my love.  
   A year without you.  
  It's been the worst year and I know there are more to come, but I hope you'll be by my side, helping me.  
   I guess you're coming after you get comfortable up there. It must be exhausting. My love. My only love. How much I miss you. How terrible is life without you.  
   I went to the park to see the cherry blossoms. Your favourites. I even took pictures. We had our first kiss there, under the trees. It was  so cheesy, but it still makes me feel butterflies. I should plant a tree on your grave, so it can grow from you and I could have something  solid from you. I would hug that tree all day.  
   I've never been to your grave, if I go, I would never come back. I would just bury myself with you.  
   Too sadic for you, eh? I know how much you hated horror stuff. I loved the way you clinged to my arms everytime we went to see a horror movie, it made me fall deeper for you, my love.  
   We have so many memories and we could've had so many more.  
   I miss you, like the sun misses the moon.

  
                                                                                                                                                                                             Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                               Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok, 

  
  I did it.  
  I listened to your song, on repeat. At first I cried, then I smiled and then I danced on my own.  
   Were you watching me? I felt this warm presence beside me the whole time. I hope it was you. Do you remember our first dance? How awkward it was for you because I had two left feet? But you still smiled and danced with me. My heart was beating so fast, we were so happy. I wish I could go back and live that moment over and over again. I want to feel your eyes on me and your hands in mine. I want you back, alive and with me. Oh, Hoseok, I'd give anything.  
   I might be able to watch videos of you without crying and without wanting to do some horrible things.  
   You know what's really, really sad? That I forgot the way you moved and talked. I'm starting to forget your beautiful face and photos  aren't enough. Nothing could show your real beauty, not even the best god damn camera. The pics of us from the wall are untouched, I  don't have the heart to get them down, their place is there, on our wall. Our green, full of memories and love wall.  
  Baby...  
   My baby.  
   I miss you like crazy and I can't get over you.  
  And to be frank, I don't want to.

  
                                                                                                                                                                                              Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                                Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
   Your sister called. She's in America, but she called to say that she would visit soon and she wants to see your grave.  
   I told her that I'll be there with her. It will be the first time, for me and for her. We can be there for each other.  
   I hope I will see you.

  
                                                                                                                                                                                             Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                               Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Hoseok,

  
   Your sister made me cry.  
  She told me all the stories you would tell her about me and us. She told me that she really hoped we would get married.  
  I told her I wanted that, too. I left the rings at your grave, keep them for when I'll come there, with you.  
   Her smile reminds me so much of you, kind and hopeful. She cried a lot, it broke my heart. Her little brother is dead and she can't do  anything. I can understand her, I lost my love and I can't do anything, either.  
   You were good enough for me, Hoseok. More than good enough, how could you believe you weren't enough? How could you?  
   Today, I miss you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow.

                                                                                                                                                                                        Love,  
                                                                                                                                                                                          Yoongi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My love Hoseok,

  
   I think this is my last letter to you. For now.  
   I want to give you peace, you didn't have it on Earth, at least have it in Heaven.  
  Please know that my heart only beats for you, I was made for loving you. I'll just love you quietly. I hope you can feel my love even up  there. I stopped fighting myself and my shadows, I am in a good place now. I watch pieces of you from time to time, so I won't forget  your gorgeous face and soft voice.  
   My beautiful angel.  
   I did plant a tree on your grave, please make it grow so I can have something left from you.  
  I go out often, just to be under the sky you are in. I also have a job, one that'd make you proud.  
  I still can't call you my ex, but I'm working on some aspects. I started to play the piano again, the notes don't hurt my soul anymore.  
   Please, forgive me for buying another flat. I got everything from there, but it hurt too much to be in a place where even a damn table  made me have flashbacks and cry.  
   Visit me soon. Also, wait for me, I will join you, my love, and nothing will ever break us again.  
   Not even a god.  
   I miss you and I will always do.  
   You're the prince to my kingdom, Hoseok and I swear to live enough to tell my grandkids about the man that made me feel love and  made me understand my purpose. I will tell them how brave you were for fighting so many battles and even though you lost, you lost  while being courageous and kind.  
   I will tell everyone the story about the Green Boy that made the Sad Prince happy again.  
   You will always live, Hope, with me and in me. In my heart. Your kingdom. Always and forever.

 

                                                                                  Yours truly and forever,  
                           

                                                                                           Min Yoongi


End file.
